Awakening from Hate

My eyes have been rimmed with tears that have spilled over so many times over the last 10 days since the Charleston shooting. It is completely accurate to say that shooting and everything that has come since has CHANGED me. Truly. It can be physically seen and emotionally seen. Last week I wrote about it here on my website:

Take It Down

2 nights ago I left my home and was not coming back. I walked down the property to the Trans Canada Trail and with my head held HIGH and only the clothes on my back I left my home of 23 years with no intention of returning.

I held up my middle finger and took my power back.

The clock stopped in my house at that moment all on its own. It was 8:44pm. (seriously) I roared so loud I stopped time. Remember what I said yesterday about being a Force of Nature?

After many hours and by my own accord, I came back. That little sentence in no way covers the events that led me back. And in my time away, I wrote this poem:

awakening_poem_june25_15

When I woke up yesterday the news of the Supreme Court ruling making same-sex marriage a right Nationwide in the USA (we’re a decade into that here in Canada) I felt this wave of love roll over me. It’s been so long since I felt such pure love for humans and humanity.

I felt part of something, part of a good day in history, part of something that I had given up on totally and that is that #LoveWins and  #HateLoses

In 10 days we’ve gone from the depths of disparity to the heights of love.

And I was here to feel it all. Be it in physical or emotional ways I’ve come to deaths door many times. To my angles on earth and not who keep me going when I think I cannot – thank you. I’d given up that whatever I came here to do could be done. That what makes Patricia unique and special and separates her from so many will eventually be what changes minds and hearts and opens them up to a different, not less, way of being.

I am a conduit. I am here to reflect back to you the good and the bad, I’m here to learn but that learning is so I can teach. When I break that universal contract, I suffer. I don’t want to suffer any more.

I had let hate into my heart. My heart is pure though and cannot survive and thrive in hate. I’m laying my hate down. I can’t abide that I woke up from a coma for it to get worse, I can’t.

There are people in this world who get joy from hurting others. If I gave back to them even a fraction of what they’ve laid on me, they couldn’t handle it. They have sad, dark little lives. I know, that’s what was happening to me as I got caught in a place that just isn’t for me. One of lies, of treachery, of feeding off the pain caused in others. Misery loves company. I’d rather be alone. I won’t be like them.

I will walk away, I know now I can do it. I’m not beholden, trapped, I’m not a victim, I’m not going to be a footnote, I’m going to write the damn book! And those who wanted me to say nicer things about them when I do? Guess they should have treated me better.

*exhale