In Absence of Memory – Treasures

I was very, very young when I got my first jewellery box. Like many young girls at the time it was a smallish box, covered in satin and when you wound the “key” at the underside of the box then righted it and opened – a ballerina appeared, spinning, as the music box played a familiar tune. Mine had a very delicate tutu. I wanted to be a ballerina back then. I even took a few lessons.

Over the years the jewellery boxes have come as birthday presents, as Christmas presents, from friends and relatives alike. They’ve been small, they’ve played tunes and not – they’ve been grand and had many sliding drawers and doors with glass that opened and closed. And they’ve been simple too, an eclectic mix but all loved for many different reasons.

(all the pictures in this entry will open to their fullest size in a new window when clicked)

Jewerley box

Jewelry Box – Simple on the outside but on the inside…

I don’t quite remember where ↑ this ↑ particular one came from, and I don’t remember how it got to where it was when I pulled it from the depths of a clothes drawer that hasn’t even been accessible in a very long time. But as soon as I saw it a few days ago, I yelled out loud and hugged it.

Treasures revealed

Treasures revealed

And when I opened it? Oh my, how can I explain the collective sensory explosion that took me over? My eyes unable to rest in one place for more than a few seconds…is that? Oh my! I haven’t seen that since? When did I see that last?!

It took me a few minutes to even touch anything inside. I felt an almost reverence towards the chaotically placed contents. I wanted them to rest a bit longer in place before I went to stage 2 of sensory exploration – touch.

Bunnies and FlowersKey chains and bracelets

With each touch of a necklace, a brooch, obviously 80’s earrings, I was granted access to pieces of myself that I didn’t even know were lost. My memory loss has been a bit of a mystery to me. Not how it happened, that part is perfectly understandable though it’s taken me a while to really see the extent of it which is also understandable.

Necklaces

Necklaces! I made the Dream Catcher on the bottom left side.

The mystery is in how I am not as panicked as I thought I’d be. I had a spectacular eidetic (also known as photographic) memory most of my life. I was always worried about what it might be like to lose it. But it turns out you might not stress what you don’t remember, or at least that’s what I’ve come up with so far.

Watch

From a trip taken to Prince Edward Island in the early 1990’s this watch became a constant companion for many years. Lennox Island First Nation is a Mi’kmaq Community located in Malpeque Bay off the northwest coast of PEI.

Always looking to see the big picture this has come just when I needed it. What plagues my memory has after 3 (of course) years started plaguing me in many other ways. I have no problem saying I have Epilepsy, I’ll tell the story of how that came to be but I have yet to accept and understand it. Impatient with my lack of progress my  body started forcing the issue on its own about 2 months ago with the return of seizures in the form of Simple Partial. 3 (ha!) days ago (I really do NOT mindfully plan this stuff) I have (wait for it) 3 Simple partial seizures in 12 hours.

I wish I would have written down just how much I messed up a sentence (spoken) yesterday. When I was asked to repeat it and I “heard” what I said I decided to laugh instead of cry for how scrambled my brain is right now.

This picture has the least amount of items and carries some of the largest meaning

This picture has the least amount of items and carries some of the largest meaning. (L-R) I helped to design the Pin to represent the Hubbards Area Lions Club Cenotaph in 1985. A simple “P” pin from my Grandparents when I was quite young, ticket stucb for Van Morrison concert 1998, a pay stub from the late 1980’s and the key to my first ever car, a 1987 Toyota Tercel.

My creative process however remains a near mystery to me. This started out as me taking 1 picture to post on twitter. The creative process is intrinsic to who I am and through it I heal, I grow, I change when change is called for. Not always easily, mind you. Rarely in fact.

Granddad Treasures

My Grandfather’s Treasures (l-r) Sears, Lions, Legion, Lions and Navy.

The simple box contained a treasure trove of memories that span decades. The far back reach of that span is what makes this discovery particularly appreciated right now. Many of these objects take me back to a time before I was married. After 23 years of marriage you get a wide view of things. Marriage is not easy and rarely properly prepared for. With so much of my 46 years wrapped up in this union (been together 27 of the past 30 years) and with so many of my memories lost or maybe just missing, I don’t have a lot of me any more. And when I go back that far to find me? That kid was diagnosed as Manic Depressive by the time she was 15. She was in a lot of trouble, very little of it by her intended guidance and mostly just a fight to survive moment to moment.

Earrings

An eclectic collection of earrings – I yelled out loud with joy seeing some of them.

Touching, seeing, smelling, these pieces of my history is like a belated birthday gift from someone who you thought forgot – but it was just lost in the mail. It’s allowing me to colour in shaded pieces of my past that have been greyed out for a while now. Gifts from the past that have become gifts once again. Their meaning and personal wealth, doubled. They aren’t worth anything monetarily which makes them priceless to me. The attachment strictly emotional and if physically lost now tucked away safely in my heart and soul forever.

Brooches

I sat back and looked at this assortment and all I could think was wow. Apartment keys, Grandmother’s brooches, the elastic bands to my braces for my teeth!! Guitar pick, bracelets, lost marbles 😉 Key chains. What a gift this rediscovery this has been.

Unencumbered Forgiveness

I’ve not gotten to walk unencumbered on bare ground for over 2 months now and neither have my dogs. That’s 2 months of not being able to physically “ground” myself. I was long past due.

So, I thought, what can I do about this?

And then it hit me, silly Pisces girl – go to the sea dear one, go to the sea.

electricocean

So Alice, Chloe and I did just that.

But before we got there I needed to make a stop – I needed a memory card for my beloved Pentax. I bought the wrong kind before, but that turned out to be the Universe guiding me, I just hadn’t see it yet.

Oh yes, those full circle moments I love so much, even when they hurt.

I was headed to Walmart — pocketbook, distance and time dictated it but my heart was screaming – “go to the Superstore” and so that’s where the car pulled into. I bought a card, far more expensive then I needed to spend. I walked to the car and my head should have been on the task at hand but I wondered, “why did I come here?

Charlie – that’s why.

Got your crew with you too” said a totally unassuming 65+ year old bearded man, and he gestured to the back of his car and then to mine.

Dogs – the beginning of many a conversation in my life.

We talked for over a half hour. That’s how it works with me. Hundreds pass by unnoticed till I find the people I need to and they find me too – it’s one of the best things about being Autistic and having the mind I do. I live in a very special world that exists within yours and you can’t see – but I can.

We spoke of many things as like minded spirits do. Good things, like dogs and farming and simpler lives and bad things. He told me he is dying of cancer, and I could see it even before he told me. I could hear it, smell it, taste it. He eyes filled with tears as he said the words. I turned to get my camera bag, taking the distraction as a way to make sure I got this right.

there’s nothing can be done to fight it” he said

but you’ve not given up” I stated,

no

I pointed up the hill to the Hospital I was in 3 years ago, told him what I fought back from. 50% chance of waking up and a 25% chance of being able to live any sort of productive life.

Believe” I told him. ( Be Live )

alice_hatter

Just before we parted ways I told him something very personal about my self and the situation I am in and he said,

You cannot give forgiveness, without accepting it first

And that’sexactly why I pulled into the parking lot, that’s it exactly – to hear that.

I put my hand on his shoulder before I left, not something I would normally do. I don’t touch people because I don’t like being touched. But I needed my energy to touch his in this way, for him to know just how much this encounter meant. That I heard him.

He was so warm to the touch – the deepest blue I ever seen.

Then my pups and I headed to the beach.

We walked unencumbered on sand as solid as ground. We let the salt air smudge away the winter. We breathed it in until we felt okay again. I let that ↓ idea roll around and around in my head and heart.

You cannot give forgiveness, without accepting it first

These full circle moments are breathtaking. I feel truly sorry for those who can’t see them or experience them – life is so much more than you are seeing in front of you – you have no idea.

But I can help with that through my words and experiences and sharing them in various ways.  Don’t be afraid of the words I use to describe and decipher myself. Let me truly embrace them because when I do I can share in ways like I am now and you get to see places you might never see, like in my pictures (4) below ↓ from the first Spring Beach walk of many for 2015!

If you click on each picture it open in a new tab and I think you can even comment on them?!

Blessed Be!

All Rights Reserved

 

Alice March 25th 2015

My Alice by her beloved Ocean a deep love we share

My Chloe  The woods are more her style but she's happy to run free!

My Chloe
The woods are more her style but she’s happy to run free!

Water meets sand and creates music for those listening

Water meets sand and creates music for those listening